Have you ever heard or read something so stupid that it actually hurt your brain? Something so mind-numbingly asinine that it made you question the existence of intelligent life not only on this planet, but in the entire universe? Well, try this one on for size:
“I like manatees because they don’t have war.”
I’ll give that a moment to sink in...
Now that statement might’ve been cute if it were uttered by say, your six year old daughter. This particular phrase however, was spoken by my little brother’s teacher. His SCIENCE teacher, no less. You know Science, the subject of logic and reason.
Now, I will concede the fact that the above statement is indeed true. Manatees do not, to my knowledge, ever have war. They also do no have art, or science, or language, or literature, or architecture. Hell, they don’t even have juice-boxes for crying out loud! They have absolutely nothing for which to fight.
I mean what conceivable menace could descend upon the gentle sea cow nation to send them into a violent rage? A lettuce shortage perhaps? Maybe Richard Simmons wading over and telling them to get in shape and drop a few pounds would be enough for them to rally to war? Hell, the sight of Richard Simmons alone is usually enough to push me right over the edge of sanity.
Alas, I fear that not even Richard Simmons in a skin tight jumpsuit would be enough to provoke the manatee. I'm not sure that they posess even the slightest sense of self preservation, which is so common in even the most self-loathing of sea slug. Let’s face it, this is a creature so aggressively stupid that it doesn’t think it a wise decision to maybe get the hell out of the way when it hears the thunderous blast of an outboard motor. Don’t give me that, “But Derek, it’s too slow to get out of the way!” bullshit either. I can hear an outboard motor approximately 7000 miles away, and that’s out of water. I don’t care how fast that boat is moving, a manatee has ample time to lurch its bloated ass a few feet below the water to avoid the fate of looking like a peice of tanned leather that was set upon by a nearsighted sushi chef.
Now at this point you may be asking yourself, “Does this guy actually hate manatees?” The answer is no. I have nothing against manatees. I do however hate hippies, and hippies love manatees and I think that I have finally discovered why. Manatees are living their ideal lifestyle. Sitting around all day while someone else feeds you and tells you how special you are. Plus, if anything ever goes wrong, you can blame it one someone else instead of it being your own damn fault. Just like the manatee and the speedboats.
“Got any change, mister?”So there you have it. The lesson for today is that manatees are hippies, and hippies suck. Don't be a manatee. Instead, be a mongoose. Now there's a rat that knows how to fend for itself!
-Derek Miller
1/1/08
