Aka: Plankton
1994 Color 86min
Starring: Clay Rogers, Michael Bon, Sharon Twomey, Loren De Palma, and Ann Wolf.
Directed By: Massimiliano Cerchi (credited as Al Passeri)
The name of this site has resulted in several unexpected annoyances over the past few years. Ever since the name change I have struggled with the fact that while some movies definitely belong here, I hesitate to include them on a site called, “BadMovieRealm.com.” I am reluctant to review films like Gojira and Night of the Living Dead, for example, because while these movies certainly fit the standard cult/sci-fi/fantasy requirements for this site, they aren't really “bad” movies at all. I don't want to give people the impression that I consider these movies to be equal in merit to a film like say, Eegah. To prevent this type of misunderstanding, I have generally shied away from that kind of film.
I have no such reservations however, about Creatures From the Abyss. In fact, if any movie has ever deserved to be slapped with the label of “bad movie,” it is Creatures From the Abyss. Bad movie isn't really harsh enough, actually. Maybe atrocious movie, waste of celluloid, or suicide inducer might be a little more to the point.
Creatures From the Abyss tells the story of five idiots who, while out enjoying a day at the beach, stumble upon a seemingly-abandoned research ship. (I won't ask how they managed to make it to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean in their tiny rubber dinghy. You can ask that question for me.) Once on board they discover that the ship's scientists were conducting experiments on fish which had been contaminated with radiated plankton. Of course now being radioactive, the fish mutate in to unstoppable killing machines and try to kill our five intrepid morons.
I don't know what species of fish this is, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that sushi is probably out of the question.Not much can be said for the characters, every one of which I hate very, very much. While I dislike them all immensely, I have an unhealthy disdain for Bobby, the immature, dim-witted, horn-dog of the group who spends the entire running time making me seriously consider the merits of a female-only society. (I can assure you, those thoughts quickly vanished when I remembered his female co-stars) The film would have gone a long way towards making amends if, in a surprise ending, Bobby was eviscerated by an enraged horde of mutated angler fish, but alas, no such luck.
This is Bobby. You will want to hurt him.Let's explore one of Bobby's insightful comments, shall we?
Bobby (to the group): “What's the difference between a blowjob and a ham sandwich?”
To which I replied, “A woman might actually give you a ham sandwich?” While my response was admittedly, fantastically witty, it wasn't the the correct answer. Bobby's brilliant punchline was as follows:
Bobby: “Let's have dinner tonight and I'll show you!”
Oh no, she's strangling the wrong idiot!I know what you're thinking. How have his friends resisted the urge to strike this dope with a heavy object and throw him overboard? Well, I'm afraid the answer is beyond me. Instead of rolling their eyes in disgust and searching for the nearest sharp object with which to injure him, the rest of the group inexplicably bursts out in a fit of laughter. Yup, I hate these people.
This is one of those rare films in which I can find absolutely no redeeming qualities. The direction is, at its very best, confusing. The dialog ranges from offensive and stupid to just plain stupid. The acting is beyond brutal to begin with but when coupled with the equally dreadful dub, the resulting mess is truly something to behold. What about the special effects, you ask? Well, let's just say the less said about the effects, the better.
Nope, sorry honey. I still hate this movie.At the height of my rage against this movie, I made the mistake of watching the interview with director Al Passeri, which was included on the Shriek Show DVD. Instead of confirming my suspicions that Mr. Passeri was an evil troll who took obscene delight in stealing little girls' dollies and foisting truly horrible and offensive movies upon unsuspecting viewers like myself, Mr. Passeri seemed to be a genuinely sweet man who simply loves making over the top, horror movies. In light of this fact, I have toned down my level of personal vitriol a bit. If you don't believe me, you should have seen the original draft. Trust me, it was pretty harsh.
Reviewed by Derek Miller
Posted 5/23/08
Now we've both suffered the trauma of seeing Bobby in a thong.
Video Clip
In this clip we see our "hero" Mike freak out on some dead fish. He's kind of a spaz…
(Warning: Video Contains Foul Language)
Audio Clip
This is one of the best lines I have heard in a long time. Apparently opening the radioactive container is a bad thing. Someone outta put a warning label on the thing.
