Japanese title: Oru Kaiju Daishingeki [All Monsters Giant Attack]
1969 Color 70min
Starring: Tomonori Yazaki, Kenji Sahara, Eisei Amamoto, Sachio Sakai, and Kazuo Suzuki.
Directed by: Ishiro Honda
Apparently the audience has done something truly horrible to Godzilla to warrant this level of revenge. This movie hurts.I mean real bad.I mean
possible “violation of international law,” bad. It is made up mostly of
old stock footage from other Godzilla movies and stars Minya (Or
Manilla, as it says on the back of the DVD), the goofiest “monster”
that I have ever seen in a Godzilla movie. And that is saying a lot.
It's hard to accurately describe Minya. Basically, imagine Gamera, take
off his shell, and punch him right in the face.Got it? You should now
have something resembling Minya. Well, maybe a visual aid is in order.
What? You think I actually need to caption this?Well, that screenshot alone should be enough
to scare most “normal” people away from this movie. Or, if you're like
me, it will make you want to run out and find this film as soon as you
possibly can. If you are like me, you have my sympathy, as I believe
that it is a sickness to be drawn to this sort of thing. Anyway, I
think that I can get to the actual review now.
Our movie starts with a funky theme song
playing over the opening credits. We are also treated to fight scenes
featuring Godzilla. I must point out that at this time in the Godzilla
series, Godzilla has begun to resemble something like a mutated version
of Cookie Monster. It's rather disturbing, actually. After the credits
we jump to the city where we meet two little kids, Ichiro and Suchiko
(From what I can tell, her name is Suchiko. Her mother says her name,
and that's the name that I heard). They are on their way home until
Ichiro meets his dad at the train tracks. His dad is a conductor there.
He tells his son that he will be working late tonight and to behave
until his mom gets home (I guess he can be a total spaz once his mom
gets home). Ichiro kicks a rock and finds a shiny little golden
thingamajig that he puts in his pocket.
As the train comes to a stop, Ichiro's father
gets off and discusses parenting with aco-worker. The co-worker flips
through a newspaper and notices a story about two bank robbers whose
car had been found. What do you think the odds are that we'll run into
these robbers later on, hmm?
Dennis Kucinich in a cameo role Meanwhile, Ichiro and Suchiko stumble on to
an abandoned warehouse. Ichiro wants to go inside and play (Hey, who
wouldn't?) but Suchiko doesn't think they should. Ichiro goes ahead
anyway and is confronted by a group of bullies (HA!!! These kids are
bullies?!? I'm sorry but Ichiro's a total wuss). Suchiko's mother comes
by and whisks her home and tells Ichiro to go home as well. Before
Ichiro can leave, the bullies confront him. They want to know where he
got that radio tube in his pocket (Ohh.It was a radio tube that he
picked up on the side of the road). Ichiro says that he found it, but
Gabera, the head bully, insists that he stole it. They demand that he
give it to them. Ichiro does, and the bullies decide to hop up and down
and yell, “Weeeee!!!” I'm not sure why, but they do. It's truly stands
as an odd moment in a sea of odd moments.
The bullies tell Ichiro that he can have the
tube back if he honks the horn on a nearby motorcycle. The motorcycle,
however, is right under it's owner, who is painting a billboard by the
side of the road. Ichiro says that he won't do it, and that the tube is
broken anyhow. He decides to forget the radio tube and run away.
“If looks could kill, you'd be so almost dead.” When he makes it home we are introduced to
Ichiro's neighbor (Neighbor? Uncle? I don't know), Inami. Inami is
working on a miniature computer for kids. Well, it was miniature in '69
anyway. He proceeds to show Ichiro some shots of the moon on the
computer. Ichiro says the Moon would be nice, but he would rather go to
Monster Island. He says that the monsters there are all big and strong.
Well, bigger than Gabera, anyway. Inami gives him the generic “Stand up
to Bullies” speech and Ichiro decides that it's time for him to go
home.
Ichiro gets home and turns on the TV. He
flips around for a while until he gets bored and goes to play in his
room. He whips out a crazy ass homemade radio thingy and tries to
contact Monster Island. He then goes into a trance, or something, and
imagines himself flying to Monster Island.
It's cutting-edge technology like this, that clearly demonstrates why the Japanese are the leaders in the electronics industry. Once there, he stumbles onto Cookie Monster,
uh, I mean Godzilla, fighting a couple of Kamacuras, which are
basically big praying mantises. As you probably guessed, “Big G” makes
quick work of the little things. Ichiro is frightened and runs away
just to find a bunch more big monsters wandering around, and guess who
shows up to kick some ass. That's right; Godzilla is obviously pissed
off today. The parade of b-list Godzilla monsters continues for a while
until Ichiro falls into a pit. Amazingly, he's not hurt, and he tries
to find a way back to the surface. Just then, a long vine is handed
down the hole and Ichiro is pulled out.
And then, it happens. We meet Minya. This is really the pinnacle of bad cinema. Kind of like meeting Torgo in Manos: Hands of Fate, or watching that carpet monster eat someone in The Creeping Terror.
It's that good. Minya, with his big eyebrow rims, that, if you squint,
make him look like Groucho Marx. Minya, with his goofy dubbed voice,
and weird squished up face. He is the reason for watching B-movies.
He's really that good.
Anyway, back to the review. Minya convinces
Ichiro that he doesn't mean him any harm (how could he harm anything,
anyway?) and the two strike up a conversation. Minya asks Ichiro why he
has come to Monster Island, and Ichiro tells him that he came to see
him. Just then another monster shows up. Minya says that his name is
Gabera. Gabera has been bullying Minya and he hasn't been able to fight
back (Boy, what a coincidence. That sounds eerily similar to what
Ichiro is going through.Hmm.what are the odds?).
Too.much.Nintendo. We leave Monster Island and return to reality
when a phone rings. It is Ichiro's mother. She is calling to check on
him. Inami goes over to Ichiro's house to find him asleep in his room.
Inami tells him that his mother won't be home until tomorrow. This bums
out Ichiro and Inami invites him for dinner. This doesn't seem to cheer
Ichiro up, so Inami leaves with an idea. After having no success trying
to fall back asleep, Ichiro decides to go outside for a while. He
quickly runs into the bullies and has to run away to avoid them. He
ends up at the abandoned warehouse he was at earlier.
Once inside he finds two vacuum tubes and
proclaims, “Gabera won't get to take these!” Happy with his find,
Ichiro explores the warehouse some more. He comes to an old locker and
finds a pair of headphones and a wallet. He takes them both and
continues to wander around. We then see two men hiding in the cabinet.
These are the two robbers that we have been hearing about and it seems
that the wallet belonged to one of them. Ichiro leaves the warehouse
and the two men decide to follow him.
Ichiro shows us the proper way to administer a “Purple Nurple.” Ichiro makes it home in time for dinner with
Inami. A short time in, they are interrupted by 2 police officers. The
officers tell Inami to watch his car carefully, as two robbers are on
the loose. Inami is grateful and tells the officers that he will go and
lock it up, right away. The officers leave (One of the officers says,
“Thank you-masu.” I am thoroughly confused on that one. More on this
later in “Conclusion”) and the two finish their dinner.
That night Ichiro goes back to Monster Island
(In his mind, of course). He quickly runs into trouble. Gabera shows up
and Ichiro makes a run for it. He manages to find Minya. Ichiro tells
Minya that he came back to see Minya's father, Godzilla. The little
monster (Minya, not Ichiro) explains that he is looking for him, also.
Godzilla is supposed to teach Minya how to fight (Good luck with that,
Godzilla). The two are in luck because Godzilla is nearby, fighting
Ebirah. They cheer Big G on for a while, until Minya gets scared and
runs away. Godzilla manages to finish off Ebirah but he runs right into
Kumonga. What a day, huh? Godzilla hits the big spider with a rock, but
Kumonga responds by poking Godzilla in the eye. This pisses of Minya,
and he unleashes a mighty energy blast at Kumonga (Well, a blue smoke
ring, anyway). Unfortunately, and unsurprisingly, it has little effect,
and Minya is forced to run away. Godzillla eventually defeats Kumonga
by hitting it with a blast of his own.
♫♫ C is for cookie.♫♫ Just then Gabera shows up. Minya decides to
stay and fight, so he doesn't look like a coward in front of Godzilla
(Why stop now?..). He “Embiggens” himself, and begins the fight. Minya
unleashes his growl (which sounds, appropriately enough, like a
jackass) and fires several energy beams at him. They have no affect on
Gabera, so Minya decides to rush him head-on. That turns out to be a
mistake as Gabera knocks him right on is ass. Gabera then proceeds to
stomp a mudhole in Minya until he manages to escape into the woods with
Ichiro.
After that “epic” battle, we see a formation
of jets fly overhead. They are the JSDF and they have come to attack
Godzilla (What is this, “Pick on Godzilla” day?). They unload on the
poor lizard for a few minutes, but Godzilla eventually manages to fight
them off, as usual.
With his enemies defeated, Godzilla invites
Minya over for a little fighting lesson. He starts by showing Minya how
he shoots a laser beam. Then Minya gives it a go. He lets out his
pathetic little smoke ring a few times before Godzilla gets pissed, and
stomps on Minya's tail. Well, child abuse aside, this method turns out
to be extremely effective, as Minya lets out a respectable laser beam,
which explodes part of a mountain. Minya is very happy with himself and
celebrates with his weird little dance and donkey-squeal that he likes
to do.
“Well, excuse me if I'm a little cranky, but you don't have to wear these shorts!!!” Just then, Ichiro is snapped back to reality
by the two robbers. They grab Ichiro and take him back to their
hideout. One of the robbers stays with Ichiro, while the other is out
stealing a car so they can get away. While he is being held captive,
Ichiro goes back into a trance to see Minya again.
Ichiro arrives on Monster Island to find
Minya, once again getting his butt kicked by Gabera. Minya pulls out
all of the stops to try to defeat his foe, but nothing works. Not even
his patented “Squeal and Girly Slap Attack” have any affect on the
beast. Just as Gabera is about to finish off our little reptilian
pantywaist friend, Ichiro pushes a boulder off of a cliff and onto
Minya's tail (“Thanks friend!”). This causes Minya to unleash another
decent laser blast right into the face of Gabera. Gabera, uh, doesn't
take it well, to say the least, and Minya manages to run around like an
idiot long enough for Big Daddy “G” to show up and save his little
green booty. Unfortunately for him, Godzilla wants him to finish this
fight by himself, and gently encourages him to get back in the fight by
kicking him in the shin and smacking him upside his head (Yeah, I'm
serious. Godzilla believes in tough love). Reluctantly, Minya charges
back into battle, where he proceeds to get his butt kicked again.
Godzilla gets fed up and starts peppering Gabera with laser blasts.
This gives Minya enough time to escape and formulate a plan with
Ichiro. Just as Gabera steps on to the end of a fallen tree, Minya
jumps off of the cliff that he was standing on and lands on the
opposite end of the log. This sends Gabera flying into the air where he
lands with a mighty thud. And with that, Gabera is defeated.
Godzilla comes over to congratulate his
little buddy, but Gabera gets up and bites Godzilla right on the leg.
Well, needless to say, with the day that Godzilla has been having, he
doesn't take too kindly to this gesture. He spends the next few minutes
laying one colossal beat down on the unfortunate lizard, until Gabera
decides that he has had enough, and runs away.
“A little privacy, please.” Ichiro is one again brought back to reality
when the other robber returns after finding a car. The two men tie
Ichiro up and make for Inami's car. They have trouble getting the car
to start, and Ichiro makes his getaway (After an inspirational pep-talk
from Minya, of course). Ichiro makes a break back for the abandoned
warehouse and hides inside. The two men separate to search for little
Ichiro. Instead of staying hidden, Ichiro decides to run around and
cause a whole bunch of noise.
Meanwhile, Inami is on his way home, when he
stumbles on his car parked in front of the warehouse. He opens the
driver's side door and finds the bag of money that the robbers stole.
He quickly informs the police of the situation.
Back at the warehouse, the two robbers are
stumbling around like buffoons, trying to catch Ichiro (Imagine “Home
Alone” Japanese style.). They fall down stairs and into boxes as they
attempt to corral the little brat. Eventually, the leader traps Ichiro
with a knife, but Ichiro uses the universal equalizer of all B-movie
weapons, the fire extinguisher, to blast the robber in the face and
make his escape. He hauls ass out of the warehouse, with the bandits
close on his tail. The unlucky robbers run right into the arms of the
waiting police officers and they are taken to prison…and they would've
gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.
“I've come here to kick ass, and eat sushi.and I'm all out of sushi.” We join Ichiro and his mother eating
breakfast. Little Ichiro makes his way to school when he is mobbed by a
bunch of journalists (Must be a REALLY slow news day). They ask him if
he was scared being all alone with the criminals. He says that he
wasn't alone. He had Minya-san with him the whole time. With that, they
quickly admit him to the nearest psyche ward, and get him the help he
so desperately needs.No wait, they don't. They just chuckle and Ichiro
continues on to school.
Before he can make it to school, he is once
again stopped by Gabera (The kid, not the monster) and his gang. This
time, however, Ichiro uses what he learned from Godzilla and Minya to
get out of this situation. He does his best Banzai charge and
head-butts Gabera right in the stomach. Then he spins him around and
hits him with another head butt to the abdomen. Happy with himself, he
runs over to the man painting the sign (Still?) and honks the horn on
his motorcycle, causing him to fall off of his ladder and dump a bucket
of paint on his head. Gabera and his gang celebrate, and Ichiro runs
off to school, with the angry painter making chase.
“Ichiro will unleash his rage now!!!” On his way, he meets his dad at the train
station, and tells him, “Whatever he (The painter) says, I did it, and
I'm sorry!” Hmm. Interesting strategy. His dad goes along with it and
stops the man before he can get to Ichiro. The kids all meet up with
Ichiro, who is now the coolest kid in school, and our story comes to a
close.
Conclusion
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? This
movie really isn't as bad as I initially make it out to be. Sure, it's
kind of goofy, and it is made up of a bunch of recycled footage from
previous Godzilla movies, but you have to take this movie for what it
is: a cheap little quickie, made specifically for kids. When you
compare this to other “real” Godzilla movies, it certainly doesn't even
compare. I'm sure that 95% of Godzilla fanatics are bored to tears by
the use of previous footage for most of the battle scenes, but a little
kid, who hasn't seen those movies, would love every minute of it. It's
like a parade of Godzilla baddies. I think that most little kids would
probably find this movie very entertaining. And I am not ashamed to
say, that I actually enjoyed it, as well. Not my favorite Godzilla
movie by any means, but I do find it entertaining.
Now for the really bad parts. The dub, of
course, sucks. If I were Japanese, I think that I would probably be
offended by some of the accents. I was almost expecting to hear a “Me
rove you rong time” in this. The timing is WAY off, as well. Now, an
average amount of that is to be expected, but even at times when the
original and the dub should link up (Like when characters names are
spoken, for example) they are still off. Ichiro will say “Minya” and
the actor is obviously saying “Minya” too, but the dub and the actor
are about 1 sec apart from each other.
And then we have the whole “Thank
you-masu” thing. I have listened several times and I swear that is what
he said. I thought maybe it was a “Thank you much” but I hear “masu”
every time. I am befuddled by this. I have been studying Japanese for a
little while and this caught my attention. It's like the translators
combined the English and the Japanese on that line. “Thank you” in
Japanese is “Doumo arigatou gozaimasu.” It's almost as if they took
“Thank you” and added the end of “Gozaimasu,” and ended up with, “Thank
you-masu.” It's truly bizarre.
Man, I'm studying this language, and it still just looks like a bunch of scribbles to me.
♫♫Who wears Short shorts?♫♫
I'm not sure what it is with the
Japanese and small boys in hotpants, but I find it disturbing. Every
Godzilla and Gamera movie has been marred by annoying youngsters
running around saving the day, all while sporting shorts that would
make Richard Simmons blush. This movie takes the Japanese short-shorts
phenomenon to a whole other level. The shorts that Ichiro wears in this
should be outlawed. We are constantly being exposed to shots of
Ichiro's underwear all throughout this film.
Here are a few shots of the more disturbing scenes in the film. *
