The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
1987 color 97min
Starring: Anthony Newley, Mackenzie Astin, Katie Barberi, and several very uncomfortable, very sweaty midgets.
Directed By: Satan, uh, I mean Rodney Amateau.

Do not bring your evil here…

Spawned from the very pit of Hell itself (You may know it better as “the 80’s”), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is a tortuous experiment in pure, unadulterated evil, masquerading as a motion picture. The plot, if you will allow me to call it that, centers on a young man named Dodger.

Yes, I said “Dodger.”

Dodger, along with dressing like a pedophile’s wet dream, has a crush on his neighbor Tangerine.

Yes, I said “Tangerine.”

I know what you’re saying; “Dodger? Tangerine? Are you serious?” Unfortunately, yes I am serious. Look, I said this movie was evil didn’t I?

I can’t understand why this kid gets beat up all of the time.

Anyway, Dodger has a crush on Tangerine. The only problem is that Tangerine’s current boyfriend, Juice (God help me, I need a beer), just happens to be the leader of the local gang. Juice takes great pleasure in tormenting poor little Dodger at every opportunity (hey, who wouldn’t). Luckily for Dodger, he is about to get some help from the Garbage Pail Kids. The rest of us however, are about to suffer in a big way.

Tangerine: The pinnacle of “Eighties Hotness”

Let’s get one thing clear about The Garbage Pail Kids Movie; it hates you. You shouldn’t take it personally however, because it hates me too. In fact, it hates all of humanity and probably most of the lower species of primates, as well. It hates everything with a deep, impersonal hatred that you probably can’t even fathom. It exists for the sole purpose of inflicting pain upon its poor, unsuspecting viewers. It takes pleasure in crushing your spirit and sense of well-being. Never in my lifetime has such misanthropy been visited upon mankind as a whole.

You should not look at this movie’s inclusion on this site as an endorsement of its viewing, far from it. Rather you should let this review serve as a warning. Should you happen across this movie at your local video store, walk away. Do not be tempted to rent it. One should be careful not to even look directly at it. Heed these warnings and you should be okay.

See this screenshot? Now stare at it for 97minutes. That should come close to simulating the experience of watching this movie.

Warnings and precautions are fine, but what should you do if you find this movie in the possession of one of your loved ones? Well, I have prepared this step-by-step guide illustrating the proper procedures you should employ should you find yourself in just such a situation.

Step 1 - Intervention

The first thing to do is to get your loved one out of the house. Immediate action is necessary to limit the possibility of long-term side effects from exposure to this movie. Do not assume that you are safe if the DVD remains in its original packaging. Sure, the danger is less than if it had been opened, but one should still take all necessary precautions.

Step 2 - Remediation

Ideally you should try to contact a local biohazard removal company and let them deal with this situation. The dangers are far too great for an amateur to try and deal with alone. I have lent my experience and expertise in this area to others in their removal operations over the years. For those who are interested, or may want to get into the business of hazardous movie removal, here is a quick overview of how a professional would remedy this situation.

• In the proper safety equipment (full body suit, respirator, gloves, goggles, etc.), setup a containment area to limit exposure to others throughout the area.
• Carefully isolate and remove the copy (or God forbid, copies) of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, making sure not to contaminate any of the surrounding area (as shown below). Dispose of the DVD in accordance with your local hazardous material removal laws and regulations.

• Thoroughly sanitize the surrounding areas to ensure that all traces of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie have been eliminated.
• Once all procedures have been completed, have a certified inspector, preferably one who specializes in hazardous movie removal, inspect and sign off on all work completed.

Step 3 - Recovery

Once you have dealt with the actual removal and disposal of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, there is the far greater problem of the affected individual. Deep psychological scars have more than likely been inflicted on anyone who may have come in direct contact with this film. Immediate psychiatric treatment is recommended.

While complete recovery is rarely achievable, many have been able to lead relatively normal lives after long-term exposure to The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. The best way to recover is to accept what has happened and move on. Seek out others who have had similar experiences. Form support groups and discuss what you have been through. Only by dealing directly with your situation can you hope to fully recover.

I hope that I have made the dangers of this movie perfectly clear to you. For those of you who still doubt my words of caution, I leave you with the following video clip. A word of warning: DO NOT VIEW THIS CLIP UNLESS YOU HAVE A STRONG CONSTITUTION. Be warned, the whole movie is like this. All 97 agonizing minutes of it.

Windy Winston presents his re-“butt” -al

Things I learned from this movie (Blatantly stolen from BadMovies.org)

• In an emergency, flatulence may be used in lieu of both smelling salts and, paradoxically enough, sedatives.
• A Pepsi truck, when properly piloted, is one of the most destructive forces on the planet.
• The most feared gangsters of the 80’s spent the majority of their time hassling 12 year olds for their pocket change.
• Killing people with guns is evil. However, killing them with swords is perfectly acceptable.
• Along with her infamous box (Shut up, you perverts), Pandora also had a trashcan filled with obnoxious midgets.
• Breasts are terrifying.
• The quickest way to a girl’s heart back in the 80’s was to dress like Michael Jackson.
• It’s okay to steal, as long as you steal from non-union businesses.
• It is possible to over-tease one’s hair.
• The 80’s were indeed a dark and evil time.

Honey please stop. I think you've teased enough.

Reviewed by Derek Miller
Posted 1/20/08