We leave the octopus, (or what's left of him, anyway) to join
more sea life, while our narrator continues to fill us in with
the useless information we'll more than likely need, to understand
the "science" behind this movie. You know, what makes it
plausible. Proof that this isn't just fantasy, but could
actually happen to you if you're not careful, and stuff like
that. He fills us in on the various abilities of deep sea
creatures. He tells us that some create light, some secrete
ink, and that some are born with no eyes at all, meaning that
they wouldn't be able to watch this movie...hmmph, lucky fish.
We then switch to a room where a man is giving a presentation
on the deep sea. It seems that's what we've been watching this
whole time. Now I'm not sure Mr. Warren is that clever. but
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and give him credit for
it. Finished with his presentation, we then cut to a couple of
men discussing the pros and cons of a diving bell that they are
constructing. We find out that the presenter is none other than
the brother of the famous Millard Wyman (Yes, THE Millard Wyman)
who has already constructed a diving bell and is about to test
it. We know that he is Millard's brother by the slick line
uttered by the nameless man, "Of course I've read his books,
(He turns to Wyman) I believe he's your brother."...smooth.
The brother Wyman (We've yet to learn his first name. In fact,
I don’t think we ever learn his first name), goes on to tell us
that Millard (Played by John Carradine) believes the sea could
hold a food supply vast enough to feed the entire world. When
our doubter asks what the purpose of a second diving bell is,
he is told by Matheny that "No frontier was ever explored by
just one expedition." I'm sure there's a Madonna joke in there
somewhere, but I'm too lazy to think of it. He goes on to say
that one bell will be tested in the Pacific, then one in the
Gulf (Of Mexico, I assume).
"Why, I believe he’s your brother…"Next we switch to Millard in the Caribbean getting set to
test his bell. It initially appears the Millard has a Mohawk,
but it turns out just to be the wind blowing Carradine's hair
over to one side. Another disappointment for little ol' me.
Switch now to four people in the diving bell, Craig and three
others whose names we learn later. I have to say that the bell
is much roomier than you would have thought from it's outside
appearance. After some final diagnostics, Millard gives the
order to lower the bell. They descend for a while until they
hit some technical difficulties, such as the lights flickering
on and off, losing communication with Millard, and finally
falling asleep from the sheer boredom of the situation
(Ok, so I made up that last one). Back in the boat, Millard
believes that something has gone horribly wrong and that his
crew has died.
Meanwhile, back at the presentation, Matheny (The balding,
goofy looking guy) receives a phone call from Hank(???) that
there has been a disaster with the bell. Matheny informs Millard
that his brother's attempt has been a complete failure and the
crew has been lost to the sea.
Skip forward to Millard being interviewed by a reporter who
was on hand for the disaster. The sole reason for this scene
seems to be to inform us of the backgrounds of the crew so that
we will give a rat's ass about them (It's ineffective, I assure
you). We also learn the other inhabitants names were Dale
Marshall (a woman, in case you are confused), Laurie, and
Paul, along with Craig, whose name we learned earlier. Laurie
and Paul were students of Dr. Wyman. Craig later joined because
of Laura's devotion(?) (to the project, I guess). We also learn
that Millard had full control over the design of the bell so, in
the case that it was a design flaw, he is the only one who
should be held responsible.
Back in the bell we see all four crew members splayed out on
the floor. Craig, being the first to regain consciousness, takes
it upon himself to awaken the others. He goes about this by
making them all smell a little bottle of, what I sincerely hope
is, smelling salts. After he accomplishes this task, Ms.
Marshall goes on a monumental freak out, to which our other
manly hero, Paul, goes about solving by consoling and
comforting her. No wait, that's what I would've done.
Paul on the other hand, sees fit to shake and slap the
bejesus out of her. Crude, yes, but effective nonetheless.
After discussing their inevitable doom for a few moments,
(what of the poor sea creatures?) Paul realizes that they
aren't on the bottom, but on a shelf of rock not far below
the surface. Craig decides that since light can reach them,
they can't be too far down, so the pressure shouldn't hurt
them, so they suit up and investigate their surroundings.
Here is where I began to notice some problems with the
situation. As they are leaving the bell, they exit one at a
time, yet no water gets in the bell. There is no room for a
separate chamber to seal the water and keep it from flooding
the bell, yet the last remaining diver is in there with not a
drop of water entering the vessel. I will have more problems
later on but for now, back to the review.
Back on Millard's ship, a man monitoring a
sonar device is searching for signs of the lost vessel. He spots the
crew floating to the surface and asks if they could've survived.
Millard is convinced that the pressure was too great to survive, and
concludes that the crew had made one final attempt to reach the surface
and had been crushed the moment they opened the hatch. He assures the
others that what they are seeing is merely the crew's lifeless bodies
floating to the surface.
♫♫ Ohhhh Suzie Q…Ohhh Suzie Q…Ohhh Suzie Q, Baby I love you, Suzie Q…♫♫ Still swimming, the crew make their way to an
underwater cave, complete with air and light (I know, don't think about
it, you'll only hurt yourself). While the crew underwater is exploring,
the crew on the surface are now searching for the bodies of the divers
along with the help of other ships in the vicinity. Millard decides if
they aren't found in about 5 hours or so, that they will be lost to the
sea and will probably never be found, so he decides to move out after
that time.
Return to our boys (and girls) in the cave,
all in unflattering wetsuits and all sucking in their guts (especially
Craig). Now I hate to call attention to this, but if you look at the
crotch (tee-hee) of the wetsuit, there are little round nubs on each
side. I'm not sure what they are for, maybe an experienced diver could
fill me in on that, but whatever they are, they are very distracting.
Do I even need to caption this? Just look at those
distracting nubs. Plus if this scene had lasted much longer,
I think Craig (2nd from the right) would’ve passed out from the
strain of sucking in his gut. Paul informs us that the rocks in the cavern
are full of phosphorus and that's why they are illuminated...Ok, sure.
What the Hell, I'll buy it. At this point it becomes quite clear that
Dale will be our typical "strong-woman" type that is prevalent in this
type of movie. By that I mean that she has a masculine name and will be
a total bitch for 90% of the movie, until of course she does a complete
180, apologizes for being such a bitch, and becomes a nice pleasant
person and everyone hugs...Awwwwww. Anyway, the team decides to catch
some fish and rest a bit before trying to make their way to the
surface. To do this, they'll need to go back to the bell and grab a few
things like their shoes and something to fashion into spears to catch
the fish. So the men leave the women to go fetch the supplies they’ll
be needing from the bell.
We are treated to more scenes of diving until
they reach the bell. It is as this point I come to the same problem
again. As one of them is shown entering the bell, you can clearly see
air bubbles escaping from the ship. For air bubbles to come out, water
must be going in, right? But inside there is no water to be found.
Carradine is obviously a master of diving bell design! Paul gathers up
a few things as Craig rips some pipes from the wall of the vessel and
begins grinding them against some instrument. I'm not sure what those
pipes were made out of but they sure do sharpen up rather nicely. Their
goal accomplished, they exit the bell and head back to the caves. More
swimming, more fish, you should get the idea by now.
Back on the boat, the sonar operator tells
Millard that he saw two of the crew again and that they were definitely
alive and moving under their own power. The Captain (I guess he's the
captain) is not convinced, and tells him to get lost. When we return to
our crew, they are seen enjoying their shoes and nice meal of fish .
After the dinner, they decide to camp for a while and get some rest.
Craig decides not to take the scuba gear along tomorrow because it's
too heavy to carry around through the caverns. Craig and Paul then
discuss theories on where they are and how it's possible that there is
air down here. After a while Paul decides to turn in and get some rest,
but before that he offers up the lamest attempt at humor I've ever
heard, I'll not spoil it for you here. You have to behold it for
yourself.
The next day, they continue to explore the caves (sans the diving suits, that is)…and continue…and continue…zzzzzzzzz.....
Ahhh!!! The audience is awakened by a
frightening monster ready to pounce. Actually, what is supposed to be a
frightening lizard is just a cutaway to a shot of a regular old lizard,
probably in a zoo, sitting on a rock, just minding it's own "bidness."
Not exactly threatening anyone, but hey. Actually, now that I think
about it, I'm not sure if the lizard is supposed to be big, small, or
regular size. At least in the giant monster movies we got a miniature
set for comparison. This is twice now that I don't know the scale of
something in this movie. It's starting to get annoying. In any case,
the group isn't affected all that much as they casually stroll by the
thing and continue exploring.
Yup. Horror…terror. C’mon, he’s just sunning himself. Craig then stumbles upon a spring, to which he
quickly sticks his hand in and drinks. Now this is just me, but if the
rocks are filled with so much phosphorus that they light up the cavern,
shouldn't you be a little more cautious about drinking the water from
this place? After getting a drink, the guys inexplicably wander off and
we get some alone time with the girls. Perfect time for a little
bonding between women, right? Well, not exactly. Dale whips out a note
that I can't even begin to decipher, but I assume it means that Tom
broke up with her. I assume this because all that I can make out is
"Goodbye, Tom." This isn't the film's fault just the age of the print
itself, so it is excusable. Anyway, the note seems to piss her off even
more than usual and she basically lays in to Laura. She goes on to say
that "There is nothing friendly between two females." Oh yeah, that
clinches it, these two will be best friends before this is over. Dale
then utters a line that I find hilarious and I'm sure would piss off
every feminist group within earshot, "You don't need any help, and neither do I. Not as long as we have two MEN around us."
Now I don't know what's funnier, the line itself, or the fact that the
men are nowhere near them at the moment. Either way, it makes me laugh.
While Dale and Laura are busy pissing of feminists worldwide (which is fine with me, by the way), our "brave men"
are inspecting stones (shut up, you perverts). Craig speculates that
the compass is on the fritz because of the high iron content in the
rocks. After much good-natured joshing (you don't know how long I've
wanted to use the word "joshing" in a sentence), the guys head back to
the ladies, who are still cementing their solid friendship, and they
take off.
Our group keeps searching the caves until they
come to a dead end. Disappointed, they head in another direction. A few
minutes later they set up another camp. Craig takes his shirt off and
Dale continues being her cheery self. Paul and is off hunting for
crawfish, or something, when he stumbles upon a human skeleton.
Somehow, Paul concludes that he has been dead about 10 or 12 years. How
he comes to this conclusion, I don't have the slightest clue. Maybe the
poor fellow wrote a note with his date of death on it and pinned it to
his sternum, I don't know. Anyhoo, they decide that this guy must have
come down from the surface so they must be close to finding a way out.
As they discuss the possible reasons behind the man's fate, Laura let's
out such an ungodly scream, that it actually scared me a little. Mostly
because I had been lulled into such a total sense of boredom that her
scream kinda woke me up.
As I regained my bearings after my nap I was
treated to what appears to be a caveman Santa Claus. Why Laura is so
frightened by this goofy oaf escapes me. I mean she was with two MEN
after all (tee-hee). Paul sees fit to seek this goober’s help. As Paul
so eloquently puts it, "So he's a weirdo. Who else would come down
here?" (I can think of a few people...) Having no luck trying to
communicate with him from afar, they proceed to chase after him (seems
like good idea to me). When they catch him Paul says how glad they are
to see him, to which Santa replies, "Who are you? What do you want
here?" (Don’t you get it? They're after your beard!!! Run Santa,
RUN!!!!). Paul explains how they got down there and how they are now
lost. Santa replies that he's been here 14 years, after a shipwreck
(don't think about it, it'll hurt you) and that he hasn't found a way
out. He continues to explain that the air in the cave is supplied by a
volcano nearby (again, don't think about it). He offers to show them
his home and, reluctantly, they agree, and follow him into his lair.
"What…is your name? What…is your purpose? What….is your favorite color?"Santa's home is basically a regular cave with
moss and other crap hanging around. He continues to explain how he has
been living down here all this time and eventually offers to take them
to the volcano, after they rest and get some grub. The wise men decide
to leave the women-folk behind when they travel to the volcano as it
could get dangerous.
While the men are away, Dale and Laura
continue their enthralling conversations, until Santa and the boys come
back with the bad news. Santa was right, there is no way out. Now it's
Laurie's turn to freak out, but this time it's Craig who does the
consoling, and luckily for Laura he's better at it than Paul (No
backhands for Laura). Craig and Laura share a touching moment and they
decide to start a new life down here with Santa and the moss and
lizards and, uh, stuff. All the while, Santa has been watching from
behind a rock. Planning something nefarious, no doubt.
Cut back to dry land and we see Matheny leave
what appears to be a castle, and get into his car. As he is driving he
flips on the radio and hears a news report about his own financial loss
and how the second test run with the diving bell has been cancelled.
Millard now, travels to California so that he
can meet with Matheny, and persuade him into going ahead with the
second test. He goes so far as to offer to man the thing himself. I
wish Matheny would've gone for this idea as this film has been
seriously lacking the John Carradine charm. We are at least treated to
a little of that said charm in this scene, as he explains what he
believes went wrong on the original bell, and uses a bunch of technical
bullcrap that sounds good to me. Matheny finally gives in and agrees to
go ahead with the test, on one condition, Millard himself will not go
down. Instead it will be Millard's younger brother (Who still has no
first name).
Now I can understand Millard's willingness to
sacrifice his own life for this test, I mean, he has put his money and
reputation on the line for this. His willingness to sacrifice his
brother, on the other hand, does strike me as a bit selfish. Oh well, ONWARD FOR SCIENCE!!!
Back underground we witness Santa stalking
Laura and Dale. More of Dale's trademark bitchiness (maybe if she had a
man to keep her in line...) before we cut to Craig and Paul scavenging
what is left of the sunken vessel. At this point I've seen more diving
than I have ever wanted to. Meanwhile Millard's brother informs
everyone that the new bell is directly above the original bell's
wreckage site. He also makes the startling announcement that he's sees
two people in the water. Shortly after, Paul runs out of air and has to
be pulled to the new bell by Craig. Craig tells Millard's brother (A
name please, a name!!!) that Paul has been out of air for a few
minutes. Millard's brother springs into action to save him, "I'll get
some coffee!!!." he cries. Yeah, thanks, that'll cure suffocation. How
about some CPR you doorknob!?! Hell, you would think that even the
Heimlich maneuver be more effective than coffee!!! Craig doesn't seem
to be any better at this lifesaving business and proceeds to slap the
snot outta Paul. Millard's bro returns and, miraculously, the coffee
revives the fallen Paul. God bless you Maxwell House!!!
