1994 Color
Starring: Kelly Galindo, Omar Kaczmarczyk and Richard Quick.
Directed by: Deland Nuse
Well, it’s Halloween again. Time once again for goofy costumes, freezing your butt off for what is whimsically referred to as, “fun-size” candy, and wiping the egg residue from your house and car because you thought it would be a good idea to hand out toothbrushes and floss instead of candy. It’s also time for scary movies. So, in honor of the holiday, I have reached way down into my b-movie bag (actually, I hit up the used DVD rack at my local Gamestop) and pulled out a turd. I’m sorry, but I present to you…
Okay. I don’t say this very often, but this might be the worst movie that I have ever seen. It hurt me…deeply. I don’t know where it came from, why it was made, or who funded it, but I want to hurt them. I want to hurt them badly. I want to hurt the people at the Gamestop where I purchased this movie. I want to hurt the folks at Simitar Home Video who distributed this movie. But most of all I want to hurt this movie. I want to hurt this movie so bad, but I can never hurt it in the same way that it hurt me. I don’t know what happened in this movie, maybe I don’t really want to know. I can’t really be sure. I can’t be sure how good this review will be, I can’t even guarantee how coherent this review will be, as I am sure that I will lose consciousness on several occasions before this review is all said and done. Like I said, this movie hurt me.
Alright, here goes…
Our movie starts with a confusing scene (Get used to those…) where a woman is being stalked by a “Man with no face” (Get used to that phrase, too). Actually, the man does have a face, he is just wearing a stocking over it. I can’t say that I blame him. If I was in this pile, I would’ve done the same thing myself. Anyway he chases her around the beach until she is able to reach a crowd of people. Defeated, the Man With No Face retreats back into the shadows.
That's odd. I had the same look on my face while watching this movie.At this point in my review, I was forced to get up and take a break. I knew that I would have to pace myself on this one if I was going to make it through intact…
A few moments later (Well, an hour and a half, actually. I told you, this movie hurts) I returned to the movie to a man writing in a journal. He is Annie’s (Annie is the woman we just saw) psychiatrist. Apparently the previous sequence was a dream and Annie has been having nightmares and visions like these for a long time (I think that I will be too). He has been treating her for 3 months and has had little success. In every dream, The Man With No Face appears (Hereafter referred to as TMWNF because “The Man With No Face” is entirely too damn much to type for a pile of a movie like this one). He decides that to help Annie, he must find out more about TMWNF.
"Midget Cam" really gives a beautiful view of Cowboy Bob's shirt. Here begins the first of many confusing, disorienting, and frustrating scenes that fill this movie. Every one involves distorted audio, confusing cuts, and annoying voice-overs by Annie. We will watch a scene where a man picks up a knife, and Annie will say, “The man picked up a knife.” We then see the man go into a room, and Annie will tell us, “The man walked into the room.” You get the idea. Wash, Rinse, Repeat as necessary.
Is this really an effective therapy? The first flashback starts with a man and a woman on a couch. The woman takes off her stocking and puts it on the man’s head. Annie, of course, tells us all of this just in case we weren’t paying attention (And who could blame you if you weren’t?). Annie goes on to tell us that this took place in 1978. The woman has 2 kids (A boy and girl) with her and the man gets mad and ties up the boy…Then, I lost consciousness.
"Hey guys, let's spend the night here!" Several hours later I awoke to the sound of TV fuzz, in a puddle of my of my own drool. I can’t be exactly sure what happened, but I am left to assume that my mind shut itself off in an attempt to save itself from further damage. I did manage to eventually finish this movie but I can’t remember anything that happened. Every time I try to remember, I get a sharp pain in my head before I can recall anything. Sadly I feel that it would be dangerous for me to continue this review any further. So…THE END.
This picture says it all, doesn't it?
Conclusion
In light of the severe level of punishment that this movie inflicted upon me, I am proposing that we the people establish a Bureau of Movie Viewer Protective Services. It is my opinion that there needs to be a filter between the average viewer and movies like this one. Sure, I was able to survive this film with only minor psychological damage, but what if your grandmother had stumbled upon this atrocity? Without a doubt she would have been irrecoverably damaged by the experience. Then who would bake your cookies and knit your sweaters? Who, I ask you?
So the first act of the newly established BMVPS will be to declare that this movie, due to its vomit-inducing camera work, non-existent storyline, infuriating flashback scenes (Which include not only flashbacks to the previous films, but flashbacks to scenes that occurred just moments earlier), and its unbearable pretentiousness, has been deemed completely unwatchable. This movie is not to be viewed, presented, or even talked about by those without a level 5 clearance to do so. However, those caught in violation of these guidelines will not be punished by the BMVPS, as we feel that the simple act of viewing this movie is punishment enough. God help us all.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drown my sorrows in Halloween candy until I can't feel the pain inflicted upon me by this movie anymore. It's gonna be a long night.
Happy Halloween everybody!!!
Reviewed by Derek Miller
Posted 10/31/06
