1983 Color 82min
Starring: Martin Landau, Marianne Gordon, William Osco (credited as Rexx Coltrane), Jose Ferrer, Dorothy Malone, Ruth Buzzi and Kent Perkins.
Directed By: Jackie Kong
Idaho. Are you scared yet?
Okay, Pottsville, Idaho. Scared now? C'mon, not even a little?
Umm...Ruth Buzzi! Ha! That one got you, didn't it?
Why am I throwing the names of random locations and spastic 70's comediennes at you, you ask? Well because our film today, The Being, just so happens to be set in Pottsville, Idaho and it just so happens to feature the talents of one Ruth Buzzi. Allow me at this time to point out that by selecting Ruth Buzzi for a horror film, the casting director hit upon a stroke of pure genius, as I have been nothing if not completely overcome with terror every time that I have laid eyes upon Ms. Buzzi (but I kid Ruth Buzzi).
Ahh!!! It's the monster! Oh wait, it's just Ruth Buzzi. Ahh!!!If I were making a horror film, Pottsville, Idaho would probably not be high on my list of ideal horror-inducing locales. Rabbit Hash, Kentucky or Red Butte, Wyoming perhaps, but not Pottsville, Idaho. Maybe it's me, but I simply can't think of anything inherently frightening about Idaho. Except of course for the terrifying prospect of having to live there (but I kid Idaho).
Now that I've established The Being's setting and surprisingly high Ruth Buzzi-factor, I should probably tell you a little bit about the actual film. Sadly there isn't much to say, other than that it is your run-of-the-mill, Z-grade 80's horror flick. Nuclear waste causes a child to become a psychopathic mutant that roams Pottsville at night, dismembering everyone it sees in a matter of seconds. Except when it meets our hero, Detective Mortimer Lutz, then the slobbering mutant Hell-beast takes its sweet time, pestering and playing with him like an overfed house cat that stumbles upon a mouse. You know, swatting at it, chasing it, tossing it in the air, doing everything but just eating the poor thing like it should. In the monster's defense, every time that it encountered Detective Lutz it had just finished devouring someone else. When you takes this into account, his behavior makes a little more sense. He was probably just a little logy from scarfing down Martin Landau, that's all. Who wouldn't be?
Meanwhile, at Nickelodeon Labs, Gak is being perfected.The Being features all of the bad dialog, bad acting, bad directing and the even worse special effects that you would expect from this type of film. The only thing that really sets The Being apart from other similar movies is its cast. Recognizable names are all over the place. Former Texas gubernatorial candidate Richard “Kinky” Friedman, the aforementioned Ruth Buzzi, and Murray “The Unknown Comic” Langston all appear and are quickly dispatched by the monster. Predictably, Oscar winners Martin Landau, Jose Ferrer, and Dorothy Malone do their best with the material given, but are ultimately wasted by director/writer Jackie Kong's sub-par script and direction.
What was initially very perplexing to this reviewer, especially when one considers all of the talent that was at Kong's disposal, was the fact that our “star” is played by non-actor, Rexx Coltrane. To say that his performance was “wooden” would be to severely overestimate the stiffness of wood. I would say that his performance has more of an “aggregated diamond nanorod” quality about it. However, when one discovers that Rexx Coltrane is actually the pseudonym of producer William Osco, his selection as star becomes much less mystifying.
Bill Osco: Not an actor, but an amazing simulation of one.So, what are my final thoughts on The Being? Well, when it first came to my attention that this horror film was based in Idaho I admit that thoughts of killer potatoes immediately came to mind. Now before you laugh at the suggestion that potatoes could be used to induce terror, think of the unspeakable horror that you would feel if a baked potato were suddenly to spring to life, toss aside its many tasty fixings and with fork in hand, leap from your plate and try to take a bite of you. Or imagine if you will, a sentient pile of mashed potatoes, its gaping maw dripping with delicious brown gravy as it slithered across the floor, intent on gaining revenge for its current viscous state. Consider Mr. Potato Head. Well, you get the idea. Terror, anyway.
With thoughts of terroristic tater tots filling my head, I was quite excited to watch The Being. Alas, as you have probably guessed, I was thoroughly disappointed when I found not one sinister spud in the entire film. Oh sure there is a monster, but I would have a hard time saying for certain that he was of tuberous origins. I mean, he did like to be underground a lot, but I could just as easily use this as evidence of him being a hobbit. The monster's head was shaped in a rather “potato-y” fashion to be sure, but to say with any certainty that because of this he was potato-based in nature would be a bit of a stretch on my part.
Say “cheese!”I must admit that aside from his unfortunately-shaped head and fondness for dark, underground places, the monster seemed to lack most of the distinguishing characteristics of the common potato. Instead of possessing many little green eye buds, the monster had one, single eye. Also he wasn't so much hard, brown, and dusty, as he was squishy, red, and a great deal moister than I generally prefer my potatoes to be. Finally, I have yet to see a potato, when properly cared for, leave a trail of green, viscous ooze wherever it went. Sadly, I must conclude that our monster was most likely not a potato. I know, what a wasted opportunity for terror.
So, if anyone “in the biz” is interested in producing my script for The Being 2: Terror of the Tater Tot, feel free to give Jackie Kong a head's up and we'll get this project in motion. On second thought, maybe you should contact a good director instead...but I kid Jackie Kong.
Reviewed by Derek Miller
Posted 2/20/08
Video Clip
In this clip, a Bob Ross lookalike is tokin' up (Maybe it is Bob Ross...) at the drive-in when he notices the monster. Here's a tip for anyone who happens to run in to a horrible Hell-spawned beast: Don't tell it to F**k off. I'm just saying.
(Warning: Video Contains Foul Language)
